Mama tribe: Why you should create one now

Until recently, women never mothered in insolated homes, just them and a partner (or not), trying to be everything a child needs without anyone to lean on. This is a problematic modern phenomenon.

For all human history, we mothered in groups. We lived in tribes, then villages, and had several generations around us of our own family to support us in motherhood. We were deeply interlinked and interdependent and supported.

My parents were the first to break this cycle in my family lineage. They left their parents, and country, not long after getting married to pursue careers and adventure in the United States. They raised us kids there, across the planet from their support system and all our relatives.

My mother was likely overstretched and lonely more than she should have been while raising my brother and me. But she also was an incredible community builder by nature, and she showed me what creating mama tribe could look like. She didn’t think of it at the time, but she was trying to replace her lost village in Southwest England with a new one.  

Motherhood demands village. We simply will implode if we don’t have it. We need supportive mama friends to talk to, to share meals with, to meet with the kids, to share advice and even kids stuff (pass on that high chair!).  We need a web of support around us in case we are in a bind and can´t pick up the kids from school, when we are sick and cannot mother properly, when we need to let off steam or laugh about how ridiculously hard and funny parenthood can be. We need each other during this time of life more than ever.

I am a single mom and am acutely aware of how I cannot do it all alone. Nor would I like to. I love having shared meals with friends several times a week, meeting for playdates, and even exchanging voice messages with close mama friends while folding laundry after a long day of mothering. When I was sick with a respiratory infection last winter, several of my mama friends showed up with medicine and groceries and offered to take the kids for the afternoon. This meant the world to me and helped me make it through that tough time.

I try to actively be part of “the village” for mamas around me every day. Sometimes it means offering to babysit for a friend who hasn’t spend an evening out with her husband in years, or offering to pick up my friend's kid  from school so she can get in a bit more work and manage to pay her bills. I regularly invite other families over for dinner, because it feels like such a simple way to relieve others from cooking every night, and our kids can play a bit after dinner, too.

Most of us now a days are living far from where we grew up. We live away from our original support networks and need to intentionally create village as we become mothers. If you don’t feel you have a village, I encourage you to imagine what yours would look like if you did. Would it be a few close friends living on your block, alternating cooking meals for the crew of kids on your street? Would it include carpooling to school or sports practices, giving the mom who is not driving a chance to catch up on things at home (or go do something for herself!)? Would it involve other forms of support?

We all need a mama village, a tribe. And no, our tribe won’t look like the kind we had in the past, but there is no doubt we are wired for it.

Do you have a mama tribe? If not, are you eager to build yours? Part of the mission of Arco is to connect mums in the region, who are going through the same phase of life. Yes, Arco is a kid´s second-hand store in Lagos, and it is also a hub for community building, a place where you can come and be sure to meet other mamas.

One great way to connect with other mums this autumn is through our Mother´s Circle, held at Arco monthly and guided by holistic coach and local mama Paula of De La Selva Holistics. To sign up for the sessions, click here.